What is sexual consent?
There are four rules of sexual consent.
1) You must be capable of offering consent.
2) You must offer consent to the first physical contact that is intended to move toward sexual satisfaction.
3) You must offer ongoing consent as the physical contact progresses.
4) You must offer consent for the use of protection from unwanted pregnancy and diseases. When both partners respect the rules of consent, the emotional and physical safety of both partners is secured.
Does sexual abuse determine one's sexual preference?
No. There is no evidence that abuse is related to sexual preference. Research suggests that sexual preference is determined before birth. Most survivors of childhood sexual abuse are heterosexual, no matter the gender of their perpetrator. If the victim of sexual abuse is gay or lesbian prior to victimization, they will remain that way afterward. However, to the degree that children's sexual orientation leads to isolation, they may become more vulnerable to perpetrators who pretend to befriend them.
Why do I continue to engage in sex just to make someone like me?
The brain adapts to its environment. If the childhood environment dictated that dysfunctional expression of sexuality was the way to receive attention, caring, and worthiness, then your brain makes space for that reality. This pattern can change when healing is embraced, but it may take some time. Unfortunately, 50% of survivors of childhood sexual abuse are revictimized in adulthood. So, you should know that there is a difference between consenting to sex because you want to please someone and feeling obligated through threat or force, physical or psychological, to have sex with someone. The sexual obligation is sexual abuse. Some survivors, unfortunately, are subjected to a perpetual cycle of sexual abuse.
Is my fear of sexually abusing children normal?
Some survivors recognize that they never learned healthy boundaries and fear that they will cross healthy boundaries with children. However, the majority of adult survivors of sexual abuse do not become perpetrators. Male survivors are much more likely to perpetrate sexual abuse than female survivors, but most male survivors do not perpetrate sexual abuse. The danger of being overly cautious is that parents can deprive children of healthy physical contact that helps them feel loved, competent, and valued. Nevertheless, many survivors acknowledge discomfort with any touching of children.
How can I learn to enjoy sex?
Sexual pleasure is a basic human experience. Unfortunately, the experience has become quite distorted and largely dysfunctional in the world. However, survivors who follow rules of sexual consent are more likely to enjoy the experience. Sexual identity is related to the sexual experience. Survivors who have a negative sexual identity, such as only seeing themselves as a victim of the sex experience or a passive participant are not likely to enjoy the experience. Healing other aspects of ourselves will positively influence our sexual identity. Healing our sexual selves is part of the holistic approach to the healing journey.
Do some children ask to be abused?
No, no one wants to experience abuse. However, previous experience may make a child vulnerable to abuse. For example, children who feel isolated, unloved, or insignificant may lack the internal and external support to read danger signals or reach out if they sense they are in danger. Children who feel isolated or unloved may also engage in activities that make them vulnerable to abuse. However, adults are always responsible for keeping children safe, not taking advantage of a child’s vulnerability. Adults who do so are perpetrators of sexual abuse.