How To Respond When Someone Discloses

They Are a Survivor of Sexual Abuse

While most of the media’s attention to sexual abuse focuses on high profile men, thousands of spouses, co-workers, friends, and professional caregivers have gotten an earful of information about people they had known for years and realizing that they did not know them at all. No doubt, the disclosures of sexual assault in the media led to disclosures in homes, therapists’ offices, and workplaces. The astonishment may be that most of the sexual assault survivors disclosed occurred before the age of 18. According to Darkness to Light (D2L.com), children under the age of 18 are the victims of nearly 70% of reported sexual assaults. Unfortunately, as adult survivors began to reveal their experience of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) little evidence of support followed their disclosures. The public has been grossly underprepared to support CSA adult survivors as they have been a hidden population. According to Rainn.org, less than 40% of child victims are identified, and 50% of CSA survivors never disclose.

As acknowledgment of CSA is not likely to cease anytime soon, bringing information about disclosure into the public realm is essential. The conversation must be initiated about how to respond to disclosure. Disclosures may be categorized into five types that determine what the survivor may be seeking from the listener. It may also determine the details the survivor is willing to offer and the likeliness that the disclosure will move them forward in their healing. The five types of disclosure are: spontaneous, planned, forced, requested, and the gesture of disclosure.

Spontaneous disclosures happen because something in the environment triggered a desire to identify as a survivor. This often occurs when someone else identifies. The listener becomes the speaker when a moment of nonjudgment presents itself. This phenomenon is what we witnessed with the “Me Too” movement. Survivors responded to a sense of safety in numbers and wanted their experience to be among those counted. Spontaneous disclosures also occur as resistance when a survivor is already living openly.  A survivor may use disclosure to redirect negativity if a conversation is hurtful. Spontaneous disclosures are often intended to test the waters. They tend to occur in public spaces and unexpectedly. Survivors are looking at how the listener responds verbally and nonverbally. These disclosures are not likely to move the survivor forward because they are reactive. Sometimes survivors feel awkward and may regret their disclosure reaction to a situation. As a result, they risk shutting down. Listeners who are privy to the spontaneous disclosure should be careful not to ask questions or challenge the speaker. All that should be stated is empathy. “I’m sorry you had that experience.” State it with words and body language. Resist the urge to respond with an assessment of what the person reveals.

Planned disclosures may seem spontaneous but are not. The person making the disclosure has thought about it a thousand times and has waited for the right opportunity, or they have asked for the opportunity. No survivor takes planned disclosure lightly. Neither should the listener. Planned disclosures come from people close to you. They see you as someone significant in their lives, whether you are their spouse, child, parent, friend, or boss. They have determined that your knowledge about the abuse will improve your relationship with them. They are counting on you even though they likely have been duly warned that disclosures often make relationships worse. You should ask the survivor if there is anything that they immediately want from you. Do not ask for further details. They may never want you to know the details. Or, they may tell you every detail because they want to know you fully accept them as they are. If the disclosure makes you uncomfortable in any way, you should express empathy and immediately request a moment to process what you just heard. Resist the urge to express so much anger, sadness, or disbelief that the survivor has to take care of your emotions.

Forced disclosure is a survivor’s confirmation of CSA when the information is given by someone other than the survivor. Sometimes family members will force disclosures. A partner may bring it up in a counseling session or conversation among friends. Advocates may be introduced publicly as CSA survivors even when the environment has nothing to do with CSA. Forced disclosures are never about the survivor. They are about the person who forced the disclosure and is not helpful in moving a survivor forward. A survivor’s disclosure should not go beyond the person to whom they disclosed. It should not become public information without the consent of the survivor. Listeners who obtain disclosures this way can acknowledge the inappropriateness. Listeners should not express empathy for the experience of being a survivor because they were not legitimately invited into that conversation. They should express empathy about the disrespect of personal boundaries by the person who forced the consent.

Request for disclosure generally comes from professional forms. Medical and counseling forms frequently ask about unwanted sexual contact. If you are in a profession that has such a question, make a special note of the client’s response. If an appropriate protocol about how to handle a disclosure on the form has not been standardized, you could be proactive in raising this issue. No survivor should be asked about their sexual history to simply have it ignored or mishandled just because they needed an annual check-up.  Minimally, a follow-up question should be asked about whether or not they feel they have had adequate support in addressing those issues. If they say no, then there should be a planned response to assist.

Gestures of disclosure are statements that hint at CSA. A person may disclose that they have “triggers” or make statements about their family that suggest CSA. For example, “no contact” is a common language for adult survivors to describe their estranged relationship with family. If that statement or a similar one is heard, a follow-up invitation to explore is appropriate. Doing so shows a level of sensitivity and acceptance to talk about challenging issues. Resist the urge to force disclosure and keep it an invitation. “Would you like for me to know more about that?” Respect the response. 

Keep in mind that the response to disclosure feels so unfamiliar to people because speaking is so unfamiliar for survivors. As survivors find their voice, they are seeking to be heard, not rescued. Listen for their resilience, and acknowledge the pain. They have trusted you to lend them your ears. In return, trust them to speak what needs to be spoken to move them one step forward on their healing journey. These are general ways to understand disclosure and prepare a general response. This is where the dialogue can begin to connect survivors and supporters rather than distance them from each other.