What does "no contact" mean?
Many survivors find cutting off contact with their family is necessary in order to heal. Some survivors allow no physical contact but may allow phone or social media contact. Some survivors tell their family that they are going no contact and others just cut off contact without notice. There are many variations of “no contact” chosen by the survivor to meet their individual healing needs. No contact is another tool that some survivors utilize as they unravel the tangled web of confusion, manipulations, and co-dependence that often characterize family relationships.
Why am I triggered around my family?
Holidays, funerals, weddings, births, graduations, and anniversaries are often used by family members to summon survivors back into the family culture of denial. Contemplating the decision can ignite a trigger. The internal struggle is about protecting and validating your inner child or "acting like an adult". In these times, you must remember that healing requires us to act on our own behalf, especially when no one else does.
Is it right or wrong to go no contact?
In the name of culture, family, or religion, we are often made to believe that other people are more important than we are. Respect authority, be kind to strangers, and protect the family is honorable ideals. Unfortunately, those values often become obstacles to healing from childhood sexual abuse because most survivors were reared in dysfunctional families. Often, as survivors heal, they become more aware of the family dysfunction. Trying to heal within an environment that contradicts the survivor's new patterns of healing often creates more conflict and triggers. If this is the case, going no contact may be the best decision. If this is not the case, then going no contact may not be necessary. Each survivor must evaluate their own needs to decide what is right for their healing path.
Why do I still feel like a child around my family?
Many survivors were raised in dysfunctional environments and experienced more than one adverse childhood experience (ACE), such as alcoholism, physical abuse, criminal behavior or mental illness in the immediate family. As such, when children are raised in these environments, dysfunction becomes a child’s ‘norm’. Fear is the root of most dysfunction, fear of failure, fear of not being enough and fear of rejection guide children’s behavior and follow them into adulthood. Otherwise functional adults may regress to childhood patterns when they are in the company of their dysfunctional birth family members.
How do you deal with your past abuse while you are being abused by a child of yours?
As you heal, your relationships will change. However, you will never be able to control another person, no matter how hard you try. So, taking care of yourself is important. Allowing yourself small and frequent breaks from a difficult child may be a critical aspect of self-care, as well as building a healthy support system around your child to help you when your child or you are in crisis. You have to make sure that the child does not become a scapegoat for your emotional trauma and vice versa. So make sure that you both have the support that you need.