How can I heal when my violator denies the abuse?
Healing is an internal process and personal to the survivor. You need nothing external, especially not from the violator. Moreover, there is really no such thing as “fully healed”. Healing is a life-long journey that survivors accept to live authentically and with transparency to create a life of peace and well-being for themselves. Healing is an inside job. You must process your experience with the abuse from within. That is where the validation must occur.
What if my violator was a victim too?
The experience of the violator should not determine your right to heal. Most violators were once victims. However, most victims do not become perpetrators. Being a victim of sexual abuse does not cause a person to become a violator. You are entitled to all of your feelings that your experience of victimization elicits. Healing is more likely if you think about your needs rather than the needs of the violator.
Is it necessary to forgive my violator?
Forgiveness of violators is not required for healing. Forgiveness is an experience that may or may not arise at some point on the healing journey for survivors. Forgiveness is neither necessary nor sufficient for survivors to reclaim their lives and live an abundantly healthy life. Forced forgiveness can cause further damage to the adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse and incest.
Should I confront my abuser?
Confronting an abuser is not necessary or required on the healing journey. Ultimately, the healing has to take place on an internal level. Validation from an abuser is not required to heal. There is no need to place oneself in such a vulnerable position. Confrontation can cause further damage to the adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse and incest.
Do survivors ever wish their abuser were dead?
Violators will always be violators to their victims, no matter how old we get, no matter how old they get. It doesn’t matter if violators do good things for other people once they have done such a horribly traumatic thing to us. Once you are pinned down, threatened, shamed, or manipulated beyond your will, then silenced into a dysfunctional adulthood, there is no solace other than the death of the violator. Shamelessly, many survivors rejoice in the last breath a violator takes.
What should I do if my abuser contacts me?
Generally speaking, if possible, survivors heal best when they do not have contact with the violator. If the violator attempts to contact, do whatever possible to feel safe. Do not assume that the violator is contacting you to apologize. This expectation usually results in a trigger.
Should I press charges against my abuser?
Each state determines its own statute of limitations for pressing charges for childhood sexual abuse, so for some survivors, legal action is not an option. A small percentage of survivors do take legal action when permitted. Be mindful that taking legal action can put a survivor at risk for triggers and re-victimization by the legal system, family members, friends, and possibly their community. Nonetheless, the process and outcome could be very beneficial for the survivor. No survivor should ever feel pressured into or out of taking legal action. Each survivor should weigh their personal risks versus the benefits of legal action.