What is fear of abandonment?
Abandonment issues come in a variety, all with negative consequences on self and relationships. There is the fear of abandonment which often leads survivors to over-compensate in relationships by giving too much too soon in hopes that people will stay. There is the resistance to abandonment where survivors over-protect themselves from abandonment by not allowing people to get close in the first place or being the person who abandons relationships first at the earliest sign of discontent. There is the distortion of abandonment where even normal behaviors, such as work trips away, are felt as a threat of abandonment. This usually results in a lot of unnecessary internal and external conflict. Then there is an over-reaction to abandonment whereby any loss is a traumatic event, from pets dying to children leaving home, relationships ending, friends moving away or even job loss. It all feels like a direct assault on the self-esteem and lovability of the survivor. All of these issues are, of course, related. But some issues of abandonment are more apparent than others. Many survivors grapple with these issues as a result of our dysfunctional childhood experiences that failed to include healthy attachments.
Why did friends walk away when I started healing?
The healthier you become, the healthier your relationships will become. However, you may lose people who are currently in your life if you have to change your lifestyle to accommodate healing. The lifestyle change is what will open you up to new and healthy relationships.
Why do I choose the worst people to befriend?
When we operate in victim mode with the belief that we are unlovable, we are more likely to attract people who treat us that way. But once we begin to love ourselves unconditionally, it may still feel like we are attracting people who refuse to love us the way we deserve to be loved. We take a bit longer to grow into an understanding that, even when people love us, they respond to us based on their own needs, not based on our healing. Their needs are based on their pain, not ours, their past, not ours, and their dysfunctional perceptions and misperceptions about the world, not just on our relationship with them.