Heather B. MacIntosh, Kara Fletcher & Delphine Collin-Vézina
For a long time, I had a love-hate relationship with my inner child. She holds memories about my abuse that I never want to access. The memories are too painful. For decades, I questioned what I thought I knew about horrible experiences from my childhood, until disclosure to a family member confirmed that I had, indeed, been raped as a child. She thought I had forgotten about it since I was so young.
In a weird way, I felt grateful for the confirmation because it allowed me to make sense of some of my adult experiences, especially around relationships. Researchers like MacIntosh, Fletcher, and Collin-Vezina found that most survivors of childhood sexual abuse experience some, if not complete memory suppression.
Research also suggests that when memories are recovered they are as accurate as memories that were known all along. I never recovered my memories. I have no desire to and have graciously requested that my inner child continues to store them for me with as little disturbance as possible.
I live with boogie man images of violence as a child and subsequent recognized fear-based grooming that made talking about my experience a conundrum. But, memories of most of the contact among three violators remain safely under lock and key with my inner child. So, I have learned to take good care of her and honor her for the role she plays in allowing me to be a healthy adult.
Healing without memory
Healthy adulthood did not come easy. I engaged in intensive therapy to facilitate my relationship with my inner child. I complimented my therapy with a robust commitment to navigate the healing process with books, research, and advocacy work. Even without memory, I had to understand the trauma, the psychological demand placed on a seven-year-old.
Like the participants in the MacIntosh, Fletcher, and Collin-Vezia research, I had lived with flashbacks most of my life. Some flashbacks were severe enough to interfere with my daily life, which caused me to discuss my trauma with a family member for the first time when I was age 27.
Confirmation of my trauma was enough for my post-traumatic stress symptoms, including nightmares, to subside. So, I quit talk therapy after six sessions. Lack of memory lulls many survivors to sleep on the healing journey. I just wanted to go on with my life.
At age 44, a loving marriage with children, a solid community reputation, and a successful career, were all jeopardized when the trauma resurfaced. At this point, I sought a nontraditional therapy that dug deep into my subconscious, not to recover memories, but to find my inner child that held them.
Memories or no memories, the work of healing must be done to restore mental health. All my distractions of success brought periodic relief followed by bouts of relationship issues, emotional mismanagement, and suicidal ideation. I, undoubtedly, accumulated more trauma from the denial, including continuing to spend time with my violators.
Looking out from within
The inner child is always looking out, through the peephole of your heart, the window of your closed eyes, and the crack of your pain. Just because you couldn’t see in, doesn’t mean s/he couldn’t see out. The inner child sees what you are committed to, feels what you use as a distraction, and hears every thought.
According to Psychology Today, “true adulthood hinges on acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for loving and parenting one’s own inner child.”
My inner child had to survive the trauma that I kept trying to deny. I finally stopped running from her once I committed to going within to heal. Going within meant I turned my attention inward to process the anger, fear, and grief that was coming up.
I practiced talking to myself until I questioned my own sanity. But that’s the kind of attention my inner child needed from me. All of those intense emotions led to questions. Who is speaking? What belief do I have that supports my reaction? Where did that belief come from? What would happen if I let go of that belief? Is my reaction based on knowledge about the current situation or feelings about past situations? Does any part of me feel differently than what my reaction expressed?
My processing allowed me to recognize my feeling of insignificance and never being enough. I had a lot of mourning to do. Most of my mourning was directed toward my inner child. I had come to resent her for a long time.
I thought her vulnerability was my curse and her beauty a snare for dangerous attention from men. I overcompensated for these shortcomings. I kept her hidden and safe, even in therapy, for as long as I could.
My life had become so serious. My friends called me intense. My husband practiced his patience with my “attitude.” I considered myself efficient and practical.
I was goal-oriented and always focused on some task for myself or my children. Well, actually, that hasn’t changed much. But, I put my inner child at the center of many of those tasks. I write with her in mind, making sure to speak my truth and live with transparency.
I hold space for her healing as she holds my memories. About five years into my new relationship with my inner child, the person who raped me at age 7 died. I started getting flashbacks.
Flashbacks never come with convenience. Running was where I found a lot of space to reunite with my inner child in peace. The death of my violator triggered new memories that tried to break through during my runs. I had never cried while running, and I panicked that if I couldn’t maintain this safe space, I wouldn’t survive.
I begged my inner child to hold onto those memories for me. I thanked her for her strength and assured her that I would always honor her for being my memory keeper. The research findings by MacIntosh, Fletcher, and Collin-Vezia found that many survivors do not want the memories, and they are not requirements for healing. I like feeling normal within a trauma response.
Ten years into my healing journey, I don’t have many more memories than I started with. I’m grateful for that. I know that healing is a lifelong journey and I do not know what the future holds. But, I am prepared to heal whatever comes up. I will continue to heal if no memory ever comes up.
Photo by Aleksandr Ledogorov from Unsplash
References
As Time Went On, I Just Forgot About It”: Thematic Analysis of Spontaneous Disclosures of Recovered Memories of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 25(1), 56-72
Diamond, S. (2008). Essential Secrets of Psychotherapy: The Inner Child. Psychology Today. Retrieved July 7, 2019.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evil-deeds/200806/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-the-inner-child